You can’t admit to losing it as often as you do
I know just as well as you that you love your children more than life itself. It’s love that can’t be put into words. But parenthood and especially motherhood comes with entirely unreasonable expectations. Many mothers have high expectations of themselves and what they need to do in order to be a “good mom.” To be able to fulfill all these demands, many lose sight of themselves and more or less obliterate themselves, ignoring their own needs, wishes, and desires. Life becomes all about the kids.
But we don’t work like that, we don’t stop being human just because we become humans. We still have needs and wants, and parents (read moms) need to tell their families what they want and need. When this isn’t happening, they’re holding everything in being miserable until they can’t keep it in anymore, exploding on everyone in their family. What follows is feeling guilty for yelling at their child and then not feeling good enough.
And furthermore, by saying out loud how often you lose it makes you feel even worse as a mom than you already do, you’re ashamed, so you don’t talk about it and get the readily available tools. All in vain!
This is by far the most common problem for all my clients.
I urge you not to let that be your everyday life!
My tips for you:
Start with you!
Be more aware of your own emotions and expectations when in highly stressful moments. Pause and take a breath before you react. Assess why these emotions have been triggered inside, and assess the place in which you could be reacting from. Then in that same, still moment, choose to react differently, from a place of calmer, deeper understanding.
This keeps us grounded in the moment in any situation that arises, and switches a challenging situation into a more collaborative and open conversation.
Then, let go of your expectations.
No person is perfect, which means no parent (or Mom!) is perfect. Perfectionism is a trait in parenting which only allows room for negative thoughts, such as detrimental comparisons to a family seemingly doing “better” than you.
This comparison leads to guilt, which can emotionally drain us and impact all family members’ health and happiness because it sets unfair expectations and pressures on all family members.
Instead, pay attention to what you need and want and let your family know it. Take responsibility for your own happiness and wellbeing by doing the things you need and want.
Ponder over what a “good mom” actually means to you. Is it really possible to be that person? Decide a more realistic view of what a “good mom” is and strive to be that person instead. Do not compare. Be mindful of the individual that your child is, and choose to celebrate their uniqueness instead of comparing it to the perfect picture people might present to you in everyday life.
If you need any help with breaking this vicious circle of being angry, exhausted, and exploding on your family, I urge you to read my course here. It will give you the satisfying, collaborative family life you dream of.